I received an email from Woodpeckers (their email newsletter) recently with a few tool definitions listed, and then (sadly) an apology email from them because they apparently offended some people. So the 4 they sent are listed here, along with a bunch more that I could find. If you have any others, please drop them into the comments!

Notice that Marc (The Wood Whisperer) had the same reaction as I did, more to the apology than anything. I also notice it was initially discussed on Sawmill Creek, but their administrators have since deleted all responses.


A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it  smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, ****!”

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blisters

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit, or fingers if nothing else is on offer

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence it’s course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of, or the car’s electrics (eh Dad!)

A tool for removing wood splinters.

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone and rounds them off.

One Response

  1. that’s just blown your inheritance.


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